Truth: I do not always love being a stay at home, unschooling mama. Today happens to be one of ‘those’ days. And yes I know that there are people who would love the opportunity to be at home with their kids, but they have to work etc etc. And yes I know how ‘lucky’ I am to be able to do so. Really. I do. And those who are closest to me know that 99.8% of my days I soak in that lucky feeling and choose joy no matter what my day brings.
However, today is just not that day.
Perhaps it’s the abuse that is being poured on me and the other little Goots by their oldest sister today. The hitting. the spitting. the being hit with flying objects. the need to protect my children from harms way…it got real old about 2 hours ago. and it’s not yet noon. our pillow pad (where the kids go to regroup) has seen a lot of action today to say the least.
I desperately want to experience my daughter the way she presents herself to the rest of the world. the one who is so kind. so loving. so generous. so willing. so brilliant. so all the things that we have spent countless amounts of time pouring into her. the one who doesn’t want to hurt other people. the one who makes my heart sing as i watch her conquer things as no one else knows how hard she’s working to make it look effortless.
maybe I’m too tired to have a different perspective today. and that’s okay. because no matter what, the realities are the same. my heart aches for the times when it was just me and her all day and i could ride her tides much better than i’m able to now. my heart aches for the days when it was just me who had to withstand her physical outpourings. my heart aches for the days where my day could revolve around her and her every whim and need.
in the stillness of a rare moment alone, as the sound of running water drowns out the chaos, i silently wonder what i have done; what i was thinking as i allowed our family to grow to what it is now. but then i remember that i didn’t do this. this was Chosen for us. He chose us for this Job. and while some days i do not have one ounce of earthly understanding as to how it is that He saw me as equipped to handle these blessings, i also remember that i’m still not equipped, but i will continue to be Equipped as I walk along.
(Just another installment of 5 Minute Friday at The Gypsy Mama.com…head on over to check out the details and give it a go!)